The simple truth is that If you are a closed-off, fearful, unapproachable, reserved person, you will get hurt a few times in life. And even if you are the most open, brave, honest and loving person, you will still get hurt a few times in Life. So, as it seems, the fact that you’ll get hurt a number of times in your life is a given. But you can still choose what kind of a person to be.
This is something Stephen Kiernan told me recently that really stayed with me and that I turn to in moments of pain. I believe it has a soothing power.
I think it brings a great relief to just accept that getting hurt is a part of the game. It is not by default a punishment. You may get hurt and not have wronged in any way (think “collateral damage” or politics, being at the wrong place at the wrong time).
I’m now working on erasing the thought process that claims “I am a good person, so this shouldn’t be happening to me”. I am who I am because it’s impossible for me not to.
More than a century ago, Oscar Wilde stated what may seem an eternal truth. “Everything is about sex except for sex. Sex is about power,” he wrote. But what power could this be? As Marx posits, “The ideas of the ruling class are in every epoch the ruling ideas” and “the ideas of those who lack the means of mental production are subject to it” (Marx, 1845). A society ruled by capitalists will not only have its economic system shaped by capitalism. As a self-reproducing whole, capitalism becomes more than a tool for market organization— it spreads as a mindset and becomes an invisible guiding force in every aspect of the societal life, including the most intimate. Applying Marxist concepts such as commodification, the market economy and alienation, one can see how capitalist ideology profoundly influences our sexual practices, preferences and choices.
This is a sociology paper for my Society and the Individual Class taught by the great Jamie MacCallum :)
Durkheim and the reign of monogamy
I started practicing polyamory three years ago in an attempt to free myself of the unbearable attachment, dependency and conditionality that came with monogamous relationships. Needy, shattered and incapable to fulfill my deep need for love and intimacy with others, I longed for change. I first heard about the tempting concept of “love without attachment” at a meditation retreat in Thailand. Soon after starting to open myself to the possibility that relationships may be built on mutual respect, love and appreciation instead of fear of losing the other, desire to dominate or fit social expectations, I was ready to embrace polyamory. The freedom and happiness it brought me inspired me to celebrate it, share it, spread it. I knew it was meant to be challenging, because of the normalcy associated with monogamy in society, yet I thought the status-quo was reversible and people only needed to learn about polyamory to at least give it a try, if not adopt it.
It didn’t take long to figure I was wrong. While I remain optimistic for the sake of not losing my energy as an agent of change in society, I now see the invisible strings that control it. “The practice of having a single sexual partner during a period of time”, or otherwise monogamy, fits Emile Durkheim’s concept for a social fact, introduced in The Rules of Sociological Method. Social facts are ways of thinking, acting or being which are normalized, generalized throughout society, constraining and external to the individuals who perform them. Continue reading
Today and every day, choose love over fear until it becomes your habit. Wayne Dyer
Today I reminded myself of the time I was freer when I could Love without fear and find strength in vulnerability. In the past months I had grown fearful of hurting others and being hurt which naturally limited my ability to give my love without holding back and looking for reciprocity. It stopped me from being direct and honest to the degree I wanted to. (But if we are, indeed, destined to live our own separate realities, isn’t the only way to bridge the inherent gap between each other precisely direct, honest communication?!)
Ironically, I had put myself and others through a lot of pain simply by trying not to cause pain.
Back then when I lived life to its fullest intensity, I accepted pain as a normal part on the path of learning.
I have been hurt and I have, certainly, hurt others. But may be we shouldn’t villainize pain and strive to escape it.
One thing I had embraced before and forgotten recently is that pain and being hurt is a catalyst of change and transformation.
Being afraid of hurting others or being hurt petrifies us and leaves little space for the good stuff in life- like Love and Empathy. If we accept the possibility of occasionally getting hurt or hurting others (without it being intentional, of course!) as an inevitable part of life that we can nevertheless celebrate, we may find that in the end fear isn’t really worth it and that guardedness is much more dangerous than vulnerability.
Incredible to see what кind of responses an article based on my account about Palestine (which is btw more of an overview of the recent and older events of the conflict rather than straightforward criticism) can cause such a great wave of online hatred against me from fellow Bulgarians who are not only name-calling me, but also urging me to go back to Palestine, put a hijab and don’t dare to speak… (in a milder version).
This brings up two points: one is simply the observation how brainwashed many people in Bulgaria are and how we are thought to associate arabs with terrorism to the point where no logic plays a part.
Point two is, of all 5,000 readers of the piece, there are 20+ negative comments and over 100 likes of comments praising the death of Palestinians, while there is 1 positive comment produced by some critical thinking which by the way was written by my best friend
So what I want to say is this: how come we happen to raise our voice (even if it’s online) only when it is to critique (to put it nicely!) something/somebody? Where is the diversity in opinion? How come no one of all the people who probably resonated with something in the article or at least with the presence of an article that challenges what is usually shown on Bulgarian media in relation to the Palestinian-Israeli conflict cared to write one line of support?
Here’s a request: dare to support VISIBLY whatever you resonate with and want to see more of, because otherwise the much more inadequate but loud voices will control our common reality despite our unspoken dislike.
Невероятно е да видя какви отговори предизвикаха статиите, публикувани от Актуално по разказа ми за скорошните събития в Палестина (които на всичкото отгоре са повече описание на събитията, отколкото директна критика)- а именно вълна от омраза. Сред коментарите имаше голям брой вургални обиди по мой адрес и призоваване да “си ходя обратно в Палестина”, да сложа хиджаб и да не се осмелявам да говоря/пиша.
Това ме навежда на две мисли:
от една страна това е доказателство до каква степен мозъците ни са промити и до колко сме заучили да асоциираме арабите с терористи, без дори да прилагаме в употреба каквато и да било логика и здрав разум.
Второ. макар всяка от статиите да е прочетена повече от 5,000 пъти, има 20+ негативни коментари и повече от 100 харесвания на изказвания от типа “смърт за арабите”. За сметка на това единственият положителен коментар е написан от най-добрият ми приятел
Това, което искам да кажа, е следното: защо се получава така, че се изказваме (пък макар и онлайн) само за да изкритикуваме (меко казано!) нещо или някой? Къде е богатството на мнения? Как така никой от хората, които са прочели статията и които хипотетично резонират с написаното или поне с това, че са налични статии, които се противопоставят на масовото представяне на конфликта, не си е направил труда да напише един ред в подкрепа?
И така, молбата ми е следната: имайте смелостта да подкрепяте ЯВНО тези неща, които ви допадат и от които искате да виждате/да има повече, защото иначе неадекватните, но напористи гласове ще контролират реалността, която споделямe, въпреки неизказаното ни недоволство.
Маги Назер и приятели на празненството по случай отбелязването на международния ден на Йерусалим
Today I attended the Celebration of the International Day of Jerusalem in Sofia which featured talks by the Palestinian and Iranian Embassadors in Bulgaria and other high profile individuals related to the politics of the Middle East. The talks all revolved aroun the current situation in Gaza and on the West Bank, so at the end I asked to adress the public and was actually given the floor without being on the schedule or even knowing the organizers in advance. Continue reading